Stop the Ride I Want to Get Off!

I woke up at 3:45pm today. 

I sleep when I’m sad. Cry and sleep. It stops my brain from talking, whirling, working. I can’t pick at myself if I’m not awake. I can’t think. I switch off. 

In my dreams; 

I can get lost in a future that’ll never be. 

I can dream of what I think love feels like. 

I can dance to the beat and find I have rhythm. 

I can have a career and be successful.

I can run, walk then run some more – my stupid lungs no longer stupid but super. 

I see my hands straight, pain free and one colour. No one stares at them. People hold them. 

As my unconscious body lays in the foetal position – teddy bear in hand. I’m pain free. I’m happy. I’m lost in my dreams, far, far away from reality. 

In my dreams I am a person. In reality a number and given the amount of medication I have to take I’m also a drain on resources.  Hard on myself? – nah just realistic. It’s not like I’m going to get better. At best I’ll stay the same. So they’re keeping me alive but I’m suffering. My god I am suffering. 

So I sleep. 

I dream I have my dream job or home.

I dream of traveling to far away beautiful places.

I dream of going for a nice walk.  

I dream of keeping up with my friends… Man I love them all so frikkin much. 

I dream of daredevil things like parachuting. 

My unconscious body is wrapped tightly in a fluffy quilt to emulate being held. A long, caring hug. 

I dream of helping other people in every way possible 

Hair. Instead of alopecia being my friend, I dream of having lovely healthy hair. Even a ponytail. 

I dream so damn much I don’t want to wake up but GERD ( ‘kindly’ sees me choking my way back to reality. 

So yes Mina’s in bed sleeping again. It’s the closest thing to death – when I’ll truly be free. 


2 thoughts on “Stop the Ride I Want to Get Off!

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