So I make no secret of the fact that I want to feel and be loved, but I’m so damaged I tend to accept less than I deserve telling myself to ‘be grateful’ or ‘who else is going to love me’ or even worse ‘this is love’.
I have never felt true, pure love but I’m desperate to give it. I’ve had honest and meaningful relationships but never that heart-skipping romance I now so desperately crave.
Boy meets girl and they fall in love. What’s wrong with that?
What’s wrong with me?
I’m damaged. My views. My thoughts. My outlook. I’m damaged. I’m a victim. A rape victim…
Good luck to anyone that thinks they can dust that one off and lead a normal life!
Over the years I’ve had counselling to deal with everything in my life I felt was traumatic except that. That was something dirty. Something that was buried so deep I’d convinced myself it hadn’t happened.
But it did.
At 14 years old I was sexually assaulted and raped by TWO different males on the SAME DAY.
Don’t believe me – tough! I’m not here to convince anyone. Just to tell my life story bit by bit and gain some respect for what I’ve been through. Some understanding for who I am. For why I’m now so broken after being so strong.
I want to be in a loving, respectful relationship but it’s so hard. And throwing in my illness for extra cock-blocking it seems impossible.
I think that because of my trauma I’ve been unable to enjoy the natural progression of a normal relationship – making love. Cuddling, spooning, tactility. It freaks me out. I’m not designed for niceties – be horrible to me. Treat me rough. That’s how I’ve learnt love. That’s how I feel it.
My rapist loved me and I’d made him rape me.
Let that sink in…
Of course writing this now at 35 it still hurts. I still shut down. I still freak out.
I want to find someone to love me but my bags are heavy. Who seriously will help me unpack? So rather than try I give up – runaway. I settle for less with casual/non committal relationships and try to make the most of it.
I always get hurt.
I pacify myself with ‘all men cheat’ or if it’s an open relationship then I can control my emotions. I still crave to be No1 no matter the setting.
But who’s going to love me now after giving away my best years to fuckboys?
Now that I’m ill and I’m lonely it’s a big ask. I must be prepared for a loveless life
I must be brave…